CBS News reports that Faisal Shahzad (you know, he’s that guy who tried to blow up Times Square about a week ago) is somewhat of a mystery man. An enigma of sorts, one might say. His motive is “shrouded in mystery,” report those hard-hitting news folks over at CBS. 1
Now I’m thinking, well, if the smart-as-a-whip guys and gals over at CBS News can’t figure him out, then how the heck am I, your typical Joe Six-Pack, going to be able to do it? Well, I guess I’ll just have to give it the old college try. So here are some of my theories:
Theory Number One: Shahzad is a Tea Partier.
I think NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg hit the nail right on the head when, before they had even arrested anybody, he speculated to Katie Couric of CBS News (there’s that CBS news again!) that it was probably somebody “home-grown, maybe a mentally deranged person or somebody with a political agenda that doesn’t like the healthcare bill or something.” 2 Katie’s journalism instincts immediately kicked into high gear, and she responded with a knowing look. So Bloomy nailed it: it’s those damn government-hating Tea Partiers! I think that makes a lot of sense. Double-plus good, Mike! I mean, anyone who’s crazy and racist enough not to want free healthcare must be so mentally deranged they’d want to blow up Times Square and kill innocent people right? Also, if Shahzad was willing to blow himself up too, then he obviously wouldn’t have had any need for healthcare because he’d be dead! But he didn’t blow himself up. Okay, maybe this theory isn’t so great after all. That’s too bad. I was really hoping I could blame this on those damn tea baggers!
Theory Number Two: Shahzad Suffers From Post-Home-Foreclosure-Derangement-Syndrome.
So some really creative psychologists have come up with this new disease for the new economy we’re in: post-home-foreclosure-derangement-syndrome. Or at least I think that’s what it’s called. Anyway, the idea is that people who are about to lose their homes go out and do wacky stuff like blow people up in Times Square. Well, it just so happens that the mortgage on Shahzad’s Connecticut home was in foreclosure. Or about to be foreclosed or something like that. Hey, times are tough! You know, it’s that lousy Bush economy we’re still mired in. I know, I know, it’s been almost two years since Bush has been out of office, but according to the media, Bush put us in such a hole that… Oh, wait, that’s right, now we’re supposed to be in a recovery. Isn’t that what Obama said? The “jobless recovery.” So is it Bush’s recovery or Obama’s recovery? Maybe the jobless part is Bush’s and the recovery part is Obama’s? I’m so confused! All right, let’s move on to another theory, shall we?
Theory Number Three: Shahzad is a Right-wing Republican and Talk-Radio Listener.
Okay, try to stay with me on this one. There are reports (probably also from CBS News) that the radio in Shahzad’s SUV was tuned to an AM station! Now, follow this logic. Who is on AM radio? Rush Limbaugh! That right-wing extremist and rabble rouser. See what I’m sayin here? Shahzad is a right-wing Republican and AM radio listener. As for why that would make him want to blow up Times Square, I uh… well I refer you back to Theory Number One.
Theory Number Four: Shahzad is Anti-Disney or Anti-Lion King, or Maybe Just Anti-Lion.
Did you know that Shahzad’s SUV was supposedly parked right near the theater that shows the Broadway musical “The Lion King?” Coincidence? I don’t think so. You know, it is Disney’s The Lion King. So maybe Shahzad was anti-Disney. Or maybe he just saw a performance of The Lion King and really (I mean really) hated it. Or maybe he just hates lions! Hey, we need to cover all the possibilities here. After all, Big Sis Janet Napolitano—our beloved Homeland Security apparatchik—reassured us all that Shahzad probably acted as just a “one-off.” So maybe his “one-off” thing is that he’s anti-lion! It’s possible! Okay, maybe this one is a little thin. Next!
Theory Number Five: Shahzad is a Violent Islamic Extremist and Terrorist
Now, I realize I’m going way out on a limb here, but maybe, just maybe, Shahzad is an Islamic terrorist. I know, it’s that tired old canard again, and I can find hardly anyone in the news media to back it up, but I guess it should kind of be considered, no? Ok, I’ll back off. Sorry for sounding so politically incorrect and racist and all that. I mean I really am so in agreement with MSNBC’s news anchor Contessa Brewer on this one. Speaking on the liberal Stephanie Miller’s radio show, Contessa offered up this trenchant analysis:
“I get frustrated… There was part of me that was hoping this was not going to be anybody with ties to any kind of Islamic country… There are a lot of people who want to use terrorist intent to justify writing off people who believe in a certain way or come from certain countries or whose skin color is a certain way. I mean they use it as justification for really outdated bigotry.” (Emphasis added.) 3
Contessa is just so right. I much prefer her form of trendy, up-to-date bigotry instead.
Fn. 1: See the full CBS News article on Times Square Bomber’s Motive here:
Fn. 2: Excerpt of Bloomberg interview with Couric:
Fn. 3: For the Contessa Brewer quote:
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